20 days

Ok so we have february break in 20 days, and I am so incredibly excited. But. There is one problem. We are going away and I am going to be at a pool, and seeing my cousin, whom I love but she thinks that she is so much better than me for multiple reasons. And I want to look really good, and be skinny, so that I can look amazing poolside, and anywhere, everywhere. So now I am going to go on a rant about my cousin because I really need to get this out. (and I am so sorry if I sound like a terrible person and I really do love her and she is family - we are like sisters and sometimes sister compete…) So the first issue is that she acts like she is older than me. Although I am older than her (by two months) Because we live in two separate states she already has her license and I would have my permit but I have epilepsy (you have to wait 6 months after a seizure to drive and I keep having seizures :P ) so I don’t even have that. So because of that she treats me like a child since I can’t drive. Due to the state difference and different regulations by each state I am in eleventh grade and she is in tenth grade, yet she acts like she is sooooooo much smarter than me. She makes these small comments about it sometimes, like when i offer to help her with her homework and she will say “I don’t think you could” or “Oh no thanks, its really difficult and I don’t think you could handle it.” Mind you I have already taken all of the classes that she is taking now because I was in those classes, and passed with a 3.8 GPA last year… (unweighted) I took 2 AP’s as a sophomore, and am now taking 4 AP classes as a junior and the rest Honors courses, and have a 3.7 GPA (unweighted) meanwhile she is taking CP courses (which she calls college courses because they are ‘college prep’) and it bugs me that she treats me this way. She is always trying to out-do me in everything like sports and her clothing. She brags about how she does varsity volleyball and is so amazing at it (but she didn’t make the high-school team because I was there visiting over the summer during try-outs, but she told me that the only reason that she didnt make it was because of all of the new freshmen who were sooooo good… and then she told me that they still made her the team coordinator… I sometimes wish that she would stop trying so hard and just be herself because when she isn’t constantly trying to compete with me she is really fun and kind. She is always going on about her weekend plans with her friends and constantly trying to deliberately make me jealous. And the worst part is that i feed into this jealously, even though I know that i shouldnt but sometimes i really just want to put her in her place and show her that i am good too, I’m not trying to show that i am better than her or above her or anything but I do want to show her that I am not nothing. So losing weight is going to help me show her this. i want to have a flat stomach. That is my main goal over the next few days. I want it to be diamond shaped, (not sure how to describe this but I will try to post pictures) I don’t care too much about my legs because I hate them and want them to be smaller but I decided that i am going to start getting ready for spring track by running for three miles afterschool each day which should help. I also got some core exercises that I can do for my stomach and I just need to get some ideas on arm exercises (I do NOT want toned arms or muscular arms, i want tiny arms) That’s about it… and I will congratulate anyone who had read this far, because I know its a lot… I will try to catch up with how I am doing later. 

by the way. I just didnt do very well this morning - I ate grapes for breakfast, and then after church I had 3 mini twix bars, maybe 13 candied pecans, and 1/2 mug of hot cocoa which was terrible. But I did resist: the munchkins that they serve at coffee hour after church, a donut after church (it is my sisters birthday and she complained that she wanted a ‘real’ donut so we went to DD after church…) and getting my favorite bagel/sandwhich/thing for lunch cause that’s where my mom is going to get lunch. I loveee getting the bagel that has cream cheese and smoked salmon, but I can’t imagine how calorific it is so… I guess I will just make a salad or a smoothie or something. DInner is going to be hard too because my sister wants to order Boston Market (I promise we really don’t eat out this much, it’s just my sister’s birthday and we aren’t at home so…yea) and i do like me some boston market… ughhhhh. this is painful. and i feel so disgusting right now becuase i’ve gained weight in the past few weeks, (5 pounds) which i know isnt an astounding amount but its enough to notice a difference, especially when you are wearing skinny jeans and they are getting really uncomfortable and tight… anyways i have to go because my mom just got back from getting lunch and i have to go make something for myself and sit with everyone and smile and pretend that life is good. 



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